I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
