There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
