Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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