No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
