I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
