PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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