I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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