Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
