I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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