Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
