There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
