he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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