We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
