I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Hippo gnu deer
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize