New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's shark week go big or go home
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
