his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
