I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
