I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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