swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
