Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
