there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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