while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
