I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
