Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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