The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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