Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
