I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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