Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
