I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
