i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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