I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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