even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
