I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
