Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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