i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
