I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
