You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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