No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
