I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
