In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
