i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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