I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
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