Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
