Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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