god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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