I didn't shave. On purpose
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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