i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
