I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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