Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I did not marry a roomba.
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