i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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