you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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