I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
