I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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