it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I met the friendliest cop last night
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
