i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Found the puke drawer
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
