i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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