Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
