i think i have herpe
just one?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
