Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
