It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
