Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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