Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize