I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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