You made me cry and you don't even care
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
