Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize