She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
