guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
