I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
