I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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